анекдоты от ботов

Добавлено: Fri Jun 02, 2006 1:01 am     Заголовок сообщения: анекдоты от ботов

A Texas rancher and his wife were arguing while touring Paris. They were hardly speaking to each other after being
seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner. When the waiter arrived, the rancher said," I'll have a BIG THICK PORTERHOUSE STEAK".

The waiter replied, "Monsieur, what about Ze Mad Cow? "
He said, "She'll have a Salad."

Добавлено: Fri Jun 02, 2006 1:50 am     Заголовок сообщения:

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
_________________
Местная сумасшедшая

Добавлено: Fri Jun 02, 2006 1:51 am     Заголовок сообщения:

пс
в обшем нет у нас на форуме опции - соединить темы, что ужасно неудобно. Вообще возможности модерские на удивление убогие. Так что пришлось перенести копируя.
_________________
Местная сумасшедшая

Добавлено: Fri Jun 02, 2006 5:17 pm     Заголовок сообщения:

да на фига нужны эти, не шибко-то умные анекдоты?
_________________
Игнорируйте мою подпись!!!

Добавлено: Sat Jun 03, 2006 1:42 am     Заголовок сообщения:

Да просто так, для истории.

Какой то настырный спамер попался - каждый час удаляю его линки на порнушку, все никак не угомонится. И так имя изменит и эдак. Дался ему наш скромный форум ))).
_________________
Местная сумасшедшая

Добавлено: Sat Jun 03, 2006 3:34 am     Заголовок сообщения:

Может, и скромный, а зайду в админ раздел - вижу на целую страницу список посетителей онлайн. Гости.
_________________
wizzaaardsah staaafff has a knobontheend, knobontheend

Добавлено: Thu Jun 08, 2006 12:05 am     Заголовок сообщения:

Панда ест побеги и листья!
Панда заходит в бар. Заказывает еды, неторопливо, с расстановочкой завтракает, утирает рот салфеточкой, слезает с барного стула, достает шотган, стреляет бармену в грудь, эффектно разворачивается и уходит.
За пандой высыпает толпа.
- Панда, щит, кто тебя нанял?! Мазафака, ты че творишь? Ты же травоядное! Ты же символ, блин, защита дикой природы! Какого хрена, ты чо?!!
Панда оборачивается, смущенно обводит взором толпу, надевает очки, достает из-за пазухи энциклопедию и медленно, по слогам читает:
- Panda eats... shoots... and leaves...

Добавлено: Thu Jun 08, 2006 8:08 am     Заголовок сообщения:

Ой, кого тут давно не было!
Привет!
_________________
As the Harvard Law of Animal Behaviour puts it: 'Experimental animals, under carefully controlled laboratory conditions, do what they damned well please.'

Добавлено: Thu Jun 08, 2006 4:53 pm     Заголовок сообщения:

Стафф, обрати внимание на IP адреса, там кстати можно отследить и источник, когда там целые списки, это обычно боты поисковых сайтов вроде Гугла и Яндекса рыщут, выуживают данные.

Птичка, попробуй банить по IP, там есть раздел для бана (на 2 пункта выше, где ты просматриваешь/удаляешь пользователя. Если кто настырный, блокируй е-мейл (если он один) или блокируй IP. IP тоже меняют они иногда, но хоть какая-то защита.
_________________
Игнорируйте мою подпись!!!

Добавлено: Sun Jul 02, 2006 10:09 am     Заголовок сообщения:

Two guys are playing golf -- a Japanese and American. The Japanese man, getting ready to tee off, begins talking into his thumb.
The American says, 'What are you doing?'
The Japanese man says: 'Oh, don't worry. With microtechnology, I have a microphone inserted in my thumb. I was just recording a message.'
The two men go on playing golf. All of a sudden, the American man makes a funny sound that sounds amazingly like a fart.
The Japanese man looks over at him.
'Oh,' says the American. 'Don't worry, I'm just receiving a fax.'

*********************
Объявим конкурс на лучший анекдот от спамбота.
_________________
wizzaaardsah staaafff has a knobontheend, knobontheend

Добавлено: Mon Jul 03, 2006 2:11 am     Заголовок сообщения:

I was home visiting my folks and my mom asked me to set the table for dinner.
When I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a photo of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, naked young woman.
"Mom, what's this?" I asked.
"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.
"Is it working?" I asked.
"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"
_________________
Местная сумасшедшая

Добавлено: Thu Jul 06, 2006 3:44 pm     Заголовок сообщения:

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of whom are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Neil says to Bob. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."
The nurse says, "Oh, sure he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."
_________________
Местная сумасшедшая

Добавлено: Wed Jul 26, 2006 11:57 am     Заголовок сообщения:

A drunk man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie is stained, his face is smeared with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his coat pocket. He opens a newspaper and begins reading.
After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest and asks, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" The disgusted priest answers: "Loose living, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man."
"I'll be damned!" the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologizes: "I'm very sorry; I didn't mean to be so harsh. How bad is your arthritis?"
"Oh, I don't have it," replies the man; "It says here that the Pope does."
_________________
wizzaaardsah staaafff has a knobontheend, knobontheend

Добавлено: Mon Jul 31, 2006 12:38 pm     Заголовок сообщения:

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, the man says, “Get me another beer before it starts.”
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute.”
The wife is furious. She yells at him, “Is that all you're going to do tonight?
Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…”
The man sighs and says, “It’s started…”
_________________
As the Harvard Law of Animal Behaviour puts it: 'Experimental animals, under carefully controlled laboratory conditions, do what they damned well please.'

Добавлено: Mon Jul 31, 2006 12:46 pm     Заголовок сообщения:

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"
The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"
_________________
As the Harvard Law of Animal Behaviour puts it: 'Experimental animals, under carefully controlled laboratory conditions, do what they damned well please.'

Добавлено: Wed Aug 02, 2006 12:12 pm     Заголовок сообщения:

Little Johnny was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and though the crime seemed highly improbable, the evidence was overwhelming.
As a last, desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed his tiny penis for all to see.
"Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried, turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small, still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?"
Growing more agitated he went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman."
"WATCH IT," yelped Little Johnny. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!"
_________________
As the Harvard Law of Animal Behaviour puts it: 'Experimental animals, under carefully controlled laboratory conditions, do what they damned well please.'

Добавлено: Fri Aug 04, 2006 9:41 am     Заголовок сообщения:

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Какие-то все эти их анекдоты тупые и старые...
Nanny Ogg
_________________
As the Harvard Law of Animal Behaviour puts it: 'Experimental animals, under carefully controlled laboratory conditions, do what they damned well please.'

Добавлено: Mon Aug 14, 2006 11:57 am     Заголовок сообщения:

Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the Pearly Gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"
"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world."
"Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor.
"I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates. The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of an HMO."
St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven...but only for 2 days."
_________________
wizzaaardsah staaafff has a knobontheend, knobontheend

Добавлено: Thu Aug 24, 2006 8:06 am     Заголовок сообщения:

Этот хоть ничего -- (Нэнни)

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names ...and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning," replied the young man -- still focused on the plaque.
"What is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.
"Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was trembling .. and barely audible ... when he asked, "Which service? ... the 8:30 .... or the 11:00?"
_________________
As the Harvard Law of Animal Behaviour puts it: 'Experimental animals, under carefully controlled laboratory conditions, do what they damned well please.'

Добавлено: Sat Sep 02, 2006 9:35 am     Заголовок сообщения:

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted.
"And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
_________________
As the Harvard Law of Animal Behaviour puts it: 'Experimental animals, under carefully controlled laboratory conditions, do what they damned well please.'

Добавлено: Tue Sep 19, 2006 1:40 pm     Заголовок сообщения:

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
_________________
wizzaaardsah staaafff has a knobontheend, knobontheend

Добавлено: Sun Oct 01, 2006 1:04 am     Заголовок сообщения:

Three female friends are sitting around one day talking about their boyfriends. They discover that their names are all Leroy.
They decide to name them all after soda pops so they’ll know who they’re talking about.

The first girl decides to name hers 7-up. “Because he’s 7 inches and is always up.”
Second girl says “I’m going to call mine Mountain Dew. Because every time I mount him he can always do me.
” Third girl says “I’m going to call mine Jack Daniels.”
The other girls say that’s not a soda pop, that’s a hard liquor. She says: “That’s my Leroy.”
_________________
As the Harvard Law of Animal Behaviour puts it: 'Experimental animals, under carefully controlled laboratory conditions, do what they damned well please.'

Добавлено: Sat Oct 07, 2006 12:25 pm     Заголовок сообщения:

Ну вот и по-русски, наконец, сподобились (Нэнни)

Добрый день!
этот исторический документ найден в кладовой монастыря под Петербургом.
один маляр был приглашен в церковь для реставрации стен, икон и куполов храма.
после выполнения работ настоятель предложил маляру написать счет на проделанную работу, маляр, не будучи знаком, с тонкостями русского языка и бухгалтерии, написал следующее:

счет:

1. увеличил небеса и прибавил звезд........................................1 руб.
2. раскрасил место рождения Христа...........................................7 руб.
3. промыл мудрую деву и покрыл ее.........................................21 руб.
4. деве Марии сделал нового младенца.....................................11 руб.
5. восстановил божьей матери вытертые места............................4 руб.
6. поправил одежду Адаму и Еве после искушения.....................15 руб.
7. по разу покрыл жен мироносиц......................................... ......42 руб.
8. покрыл 3 раза Марию Магдалину матом, чтобы не блестела.......2 руб.
9. отделал варвару у входа в храм............................................18 руб.
10. удлинил конец архангелу Михаилу.......................................14 руб.
11. разделил лики и поставил крест над всеми святыми................1 руб.
_________________
As the Harvard Law of Animal Behaviour puts it: 'Experimental animals, under carefully controlled laboratory conditions, do what they damned well please.'

Добавлено: Wed Oct 25, 2006 1:00 pm     Заголовок сообщения:

(Ну что, обновим темку? -- давненько боты нас не развлекали своим дивным юмором... Нэнни)

Little Johnny was in class when the teacher asked, 'Three birds are sitting on a telephone wire, a hunter shoots one. How many are left?'
'None,' he says 'if ones shot the others would fly away.'
'Actually', said the teacher 'the answer was two, but I like the way you think.'
The next day Johnny walks over to his teacher in the cafeteria and asks, 'Do you see those three women over there on the bench? Which one isn't married, the one eating the cookie, the one eating a sandwich, or the one sucking on a popsicle?'
'Hmm, the one sucking on a popsicle?', the teacher asks.

'Actually' said Timmy 'it was the one without a wedding ring, but I like the way you think.'
_________________
As the Harvard Law of Animal Behaviour puts it: 'Experimental animals, under carefully controlled laboratory conditions, do what they damned well please.'

Добавлено: Fri Oct 27, 2006 3:24 pm     Заголовок сообщения:

John and Jenifer were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was ever so slowly sliding down his chair under the table while Jenifer acted unconcerned. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Jenifer appeared calm and unruffled,
apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door."
_________________
As the Harvard Law of Animal Behaviour puts it: 'Experimental animals, under carefully controlled laboratory conditions, do what they damned well please.'